All About Relationships

His & Hers

Once again, I was at the Feast at PICC today.  Bo started the Relationships series by identifying the main differences between a man and a woman’s rules in relationships.  It helps to know that before we try to swim in the unchartered seas of male-female relationships, we need to understand the foundation of all kinds of relationships: Acceptance.

Today’s topic, like any other topics at the Feast, hit me square in the face.  Before I left the house, I had a bit of a misunderstanding with Ma, like mothers and daughters do every now and then.  While in the jeepney on the way to PICC, I thought about it and I realized that the same situation has presented itself between Ma and me because I have not learned how to handle it correctly.  I have always believed in pointing out what needs to be done the right way immediately. But the right way for me, may not necessarily be needed immediately. What the situation may actually be wanting is for me to show more acceptance, more patience, more love instead of immediate correction.  While I mulled about it on the way to the Feast, I then received the gift of the Holy Spirit and it was doubly presented to me by Bro. Bo. Of course, he didn’t know that I was there. (I’m finally learning Bro. Bo!)

ACCEPTANCE.  You can have a better relationship with anyone when you are able to embrace fully the person as he is.  It means you are not out to change the other person.  No one can really change any person, EXCEPT, the person himself.  And he MUST WANT it from the depths of his being for it to happen.  Even if you keep nagging the other person to do what you want, he or she may say yes, but …(This is not including people who have serious issues like addiction, gambling, wife/husband beating, alcoholism or sloth – people who have not worked or don’t want to work, gossiping or any other serious vices out there).

APPECIATION.  Look for the good in the person and magnify that good. Allow the person to know that he is being appreciated.

Once he feels that he is loved and accepted, he will eventually change in the right direction.  Nagging will not make people want to change.  It will drive them away.  It will build walls one brick at a time with constant nagging until the wall of separation has been fully erected. But patience, acceptance and love will turn that wall into dust.

Male-Female Brains

Male. His brain has compartments.  Each task has a specific box and the boxes do not intersect. They have specific four corners, a top cover and a bottom base.  Each box has delineated borders and spaces in between. He is not a multitasker.  He can only focus on one thing at a time.

Female. Her brain doesn’t have boxes. Her brain has wires and everything in it is interconnected.  She is great at multi-tasking.  I remember my late female friend who would talk with me while simultaneously text messages on her cellphone–it was very irritating, but she was a real estate agent and needed to be able to reply immediately to her potential buyers, so I let it go.

When a  female has a problem, she doesn’t want a solution to her problem, she just wants to talk.

When you talk to a man about a problem, he will find the solution for you.

Here’s a tip. When talking with a man, ask him to listen to you as a girl so you can unload and then when you are ready for the solution, ask him to listen as a man.

There will be more about this next week.

You Are Amazing As You Are

detoxPhoto credit: The Feast

I haven’t been able to attend the Feast as regularly as I wanted for some time since last year. So I’ve been REALLY looking forward to this Sunday’s Feast. I was lucky to have listened to two great speakers – the main speaker is Bo Sanchez and he was joined by Obet Cabrillas.

Today is the first among a series of talks every week.  They taught us how to manage toxic feelings.

Talk 1:  Detoxify Feelings

Why do we get sick?

There are many reasons why we get sick.  But we can simplify the answer to two reasons:  One cause is Toxic Food.  When we eat the wrong food, we get sick.  The other common cause is, Toxic Feelings. When we do not deal with our feelings in the right way, it can lead to disease.  When we are sick, the body is crying for Change in your life.

Toxic feelings are not the only causes of disease, but they can lead to illness.  The following are examples:

Hopelessness causes Lung problems;

Rigidity can cause migraine;

Lying causes alcoholism (the liar knows he is a liar so he drowns it in alcohol);

Anger causes insomnia (Try getting really angry and then see if you can sleep at night);

Aggressiveness causes gastric discomfort;

Conflict causes thyroid enlargement;

Jealousy causes cancer;

Anxiety causes skin diseases;

Guilt causes skin diseases and chronic infection;

And there can be a very long list of diseases that can be caused by certain toxic feelings.  However, it is possible to control our poisonous feelings.

Three ways to deal with toxic feelings:

1)   Feel your emotions – allow yourself to feel the pain; don’t deny it.  In our culture of denial kings and queens, we’ve been hoodwinked into believing that it is wrong to admit that you can feel emotions other than joy.  We can feel pain, shame, guilt or anger.  It is right to allow ourselves to feel. Feel the emotion in the presence of God. God is always with you. Breathe in His presence.  Emotions are TEACHERS.  They are teaching you something.  If you feel anger for example, the emotion is teaching you that you have a wound.  This wound originated from the conditional loving that you got from your parents when you were young.  For example, they told you that you are favored only if you performed well in school; or they withdrew their attention when you didn’t follow what they wanted you to do.  Parents are supposed to emulate God’s example in loving their children.  The right way to love our children is to make them know that they are loved no matter what.  You are amazing as you are.  God loves you unconditionally, regardless of your imperfections, or your failures, or your mistakes, or your fears. Emotions are HEALERS.  Allow yourself to be angry in the presence of God.  When you feel your anger, it is healing you because you are acknowledging your pain.  You are accepting yourself.  You are loving yourself.  And LOVE HEALS. 

After you allow yourself to feel your negative emotions, allow them to have an expiry date.   Do not let it fester like a wound that never heals.  Go through your grief but you must decide that it will not persist.

 

2)   Own your emotions.  Some people say that other people made them angry. Or parents may say that their children made them really angry.  That is NOT true. No one made you angry.  You allowed yourself to be angry.  You need to own your emotions otherwise; you will become a puppet of your emotions.  There was an experiment by Dr. Michael Hall on the worst criminals in the country.  He instructed them to try to make him angry without touching him physically.  The hardened crooks, full of anger themselves gave it all they’ve got.  They rained insults and all sorts of verbal abuse to the depths of hell until they were exhausted.  But Dr. Hall remained calm and unaffected.   He was uninsultable.

3)   Control your emotions.  Dr. Hall’s experiment went on to teach the convicts that it is possible to control their emotions.  He instructed them to rant full force and then to gradually reduce the level of seething and screaming until they eventually calmed down.  The result?  Dr. Hall successfully taught the worst criminals that it is possible not to slug anyone at the slightest provocation.  It is possible to control your emotions.

There are Four Main Emotions:

1)                Sad

2)                Mad

3)                Glad

4)                Scared

To manage your emotions, you need to Energize them.

When Sad, you need to remember that according to Proverbs 4:23, above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it.

When Mad, you need to energize Righteousness.  The person who gave this portion of the talk used to be a frat man in a university.  Whenever there was trouble, he was the one called to settle the score. But by the Grace of God, he has been transformed from the hit man to a disciple of God. One day, he brought his family to the park.  During meal time, he chose a particular spot for the family, but while he was laying down the food, a tattooed, muscular man told him to choose another spot as it was taken.  Normally, his response should have been to just hit the other guy in the face.  But having become one of the leaders of the charismatic group, he exercised temperance and moved to another place, but the same man again told him it was taken.  Biting his tongue and checking his temper, he again gathered their belongings and just screamed blessings toward the man, silently.

When Glad, energize SERVICE.  Happy people express this best by helping others.  Engage in an activity that will help the community.  Serve.

When Scared, energize CAUTION.  Fear heightens our senses. Use that to anticipate situations and think of possible solutions.

And lastly, remember the prayer of St. Francis of Assisi

“Make me a channel of Your Peace

Where there is hatred, let me bring Your Love;

Where there is injury, Your Pardon, Lord

Where there is doubt, true Faith in You

Make me a channel of Your Peace

Where there’s despair in life, let me bring Hope

Where there is darkness, only Light

And where there’s sadness, ever Joy

O Master grant that I may never seek, so much to be consoled as to console

To be understood, as to understand

To be loved as to love with all my soul.

Make me a channel of Your Peace

It is in pardoning that we are pardoned

It is in giving to men that we receive

And in dying that we are born to eternal life.”

If that doesn’t work, try this:

The Serenity Prayer

God grant me serenity

To accept things I cannot change

Courage, to change things I can

And wisdom to know the difference. Amen.